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nyteflyerTitle: Seven Year Itch by NyteFlyer
Fandom: The Donald Strachey Mysteries
Pairing: Donald and Timmy, of course!
Rating: PG or thereabouts
Word count: 900-ish
Spoilers: Itsy bitsy teeny tiny one for On The Other Hand, Death
Summary: They’ve got an itch to scratch….
Genre: Pure, unrepentant fluff
Disclaimer: Richard Stevenson and Ron Oliver own the rights, though Donald maintains that he and Timmy belong solely to each other. I occasionally channel them strictly for entertainment purposes. RHPS is of course the product of Richard O’Brien’s dark and twisted genius….
Author’s note: Just a bit of silliness brought on by my own case of stress-induced dermatitis.
I'll put up no resistance
I want to stay the distance
I've got an itch to scratch
I need assistance
~~ Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Seven Year Itch
“Donald.”
. . . .
“Donald.”
. . . .
“Don-ALD!”
“What?”
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“You know very well what.”
“I can’t help it. It itches.”
“Yes, and if you don’t leave it alone, it’s going to spread and itch even more.”
“How in the hell could it itch any more than it does right now?”
“If you don’t stop scratching, you’ll find out. Do what I do and try to think about something else.”
“Like you are right now, I suppose?”
“Yes, I…er…sorry.”
“Sorry for scratching or sorry for landing us in the middle of a patch of poison ivy?”
“Me? It was your bright idea to spend our seventh anniversary out here in the middle of nowhere.”
“Hey, I was just trying to give you a little romance for a change. The lake, the mountains, the peace and quiet of the woods. Just you and me and….”
“And ticks and snapping turtles and wasps and….”
“Don’t forget the skunk.”
“Oh, believe me, I will never forget the skunk!”
chuckles
“Romance is a five-star hotel with champagne and caviar and a Do Not Disturb sign that doesn’t leave the door handle for days. Romance is satin sheets and rose petals, not crawling into a sleeping bag with vermin.”
laughs harder
“That was a snake I saw, Donald. I don’t care what you say. I know a snake when I see one.”
“I’m sure you do, sweetheart.”
“And mice! There were mice in the tent last night. I could hear them gathering round, waiting for us to fall asleep.”
“Guess we should have brought Tux, huh?”
“They would have bound and gagged poor Tux and carried him away in the night!. Mosquitoes ate us alive the first day, chiggers the second, and today….”
“Today you were too busy ogling some beefed up asshole of a park ranger to watch where you were going. Then when you got tangled up in vines….”
“I was not ogling. You’d mentioned wanting to climb the fire tower, and I was simply trying to get the ranger’s attention so he could tell us which path to take.”
“Oh, you got his attention, all right. He laughed his extra buff ass off, watching me try to untangle you. I thought he was going to have an aneurism when we both ending up toppling into a thicket full of the most toxic plant known to man. You got his attention and then some!”
heavy silence
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Timothy….”
“Well, you accused me of ogling, but you seem to be the one noticing how buff his ass was.”
“Only because you went on and on about how good he looked in shorts.”
“I did not….”
“Did, too.”
“Donald, I simply stated that I liked the type of shorts he was wearing….”
“And that he looked hot in them.”
“What I said was that you should get some shorts like that because you’d look hotter in them than he did.”
“Which means you thought he looked hot to begin with.”
“It means no such thing! You’re the one with the roving eye, not me.”
“Roving eye! Since when….”
“Need I remind you of the time you ignored me to flirt with that biker boy….”
“Oh, here we go! We’re not going to get started on that again, are we? And stop scratching. You’re making me itch worse.”
“Use more calamine.”
“It’s spread to my back now. I can’t reach.”
“Then I’ll reach it for you. Here, take off your shirt.”
. . . .
. . . .
“That feels nice.”
“Where else do you need it?”
unintelligible mumbling
“Excuse me?”
“Ummm…my ass.”
“Oh, no!”
“Look, if you don’t want to….”
“I’d rather look at your ass than that ranger’s any day. Even if it is all red and bumpy at the moment.”
“You sure about that? When you started talking about the way he looked in those shorts, I kind of thought you might be coming down with the seven year itch.”
“Darling, the only person I itch for is you. Always and forever, Donald. I promise.”
“Good. That goes both ways, you know.”
“I know.”
“Ahhhhhhhhhh.”
“Better?”
“Yesssssssssssss. You know, I’ve got another itch that could stand some scratching, if you’re interested.”
“Won’t all that…um…friction?…just spread the rash even more?”
. . . .
“Don?”
“I really suck at planning romantic getaways, don‘t I?”
“I wouldn’t say that. Our little woodland adventure’s had its moments. Watching the sun go down by the lake every night has been lovely.”
“Yes, it has.”
“And in spite of the poison ivy incident, we had a nice hike today. We saw those deer, and we had our picnic. And tomorrow you’re going to take me fishing, remember?”
“So you really don’t hate this?”
“How could I hate it? I’m with you. And in spite of the mosquitoes and the ticks….”
“And the snakes and the mice?”
“And even the poison ivy, there’s no place I’d rather be than here, just as long as you‘re here, too, scratching right along beside me.”
“Scratch my itch, Timmy. Please, baby? Come on over here and scratch my itch….”
“Hmmm. Do you think both of us can fit in your sleeping bag?”
“I don’t know, but it’ll sure be fun trying. Oh, and Timmy? Don’t forget the….”
“Lube? Got it right here.”
“That, too. But I was about to say the extra bottle of calamine. Just in case.”
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no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 02:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 04:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 02:59 am (UTC)Aww... such a Timmy thing to say.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 04:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 05:40 am (UTC)Hilarious and cute!
Bronwyn
no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 06:20 am (UTC)Glad you liked it! I had to get one more light piece in here, because the longer story I'm working on is a big ol' angst fest that whumps the tar (emotionally, at least) out of both of them. Poor boys. We use 'em and abuse 'em so....
no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 04:47 pm (UTC)Bronwyn
no subject
Date: 2009-06-25 04:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-25 06:13 am (UTC)It's a singalong!
Bronwyn
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Date: 2009-06-22 09:52 am (UTC)Thanks for the smiles to start a Monday morning :)
no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 12:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 09:01 pm (UTC)Poor Timmy is for sure no nature boy!But he tries to do his best*g*
Anyway, thank you for sharing and I have to say I'm really anxious to read the long story you're working on, like you've mentioned in your comments.
Definitely something to look forward to.
Thanks!
Sunflower
no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 09:48 pm (UTC)One of the chief elements that gives me the warm'n'snugglies about Timmy and Donald is the fact that they ARE an old married couple, not just a pair 20-yr-olds jumping into bed together with the vague suggestion of an emotional attachment tacked on to justify all the sex. You can't carp at each other like that unless you are totally secure in the relationship, knowing that no matter what, you're an inseparable unit. So everytime they gripe and whine at each other, I'm reading "I love you and I feel safe with you" between the lines....
no subject
Date: 2010-02-23 02:12 pm (UTC)True. Likewise "I know you'll still love me when I'm whiny and crabby, and not just when I'm on my best behaviour!"...
Clearly, Tim needs to plan their next vacation!
no subject
Date: 2010-02-23 09:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-23 03:59 am (UTC)what fun
Date: 2009-06-24 09:05 pm (UTC)Re: what fun
Date: 2009-06-25 04:06 am (UTC)Thanks for reading and commenting and especially for the beta!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-25 09:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-25 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-25 08:59 pm (UTC)cute!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-26 03:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-27 08:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-27 12:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-02 11:35 am (UTC)Anyway, this is very cute, I'm a rather outdoorsy person, so this was hilarious to read <3 There's a reason kids who grow up in the woods etc know every remotely dangerous plant and animal by the age of 5 or so, itchy rashes is part of it, hehe!
The Lady 529
no subject
Date: 2009-10-02 02:07 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed the read! It's always especially gratifying to know someone's out there looking for and reading stories some time after they originally posted. I've got another humor piece coming up shortly, so stay tuned....
Nyte
no subject
Date: 2010-08-29 07:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-29 08:04 pm (UTC)